jaywong's safe heaven

We all want our love reciprocated. We seek unconditional love. We want someone to love us more than we do.

But has anyone asked what is a logical measurement? Has anyone ever asked what are we giving to the other to deserve unconditional love in return?

We seem all so selfish and all about ourselves. What is the way to reconcile this feeling. The irony of being in love and keeping in love.

Ponder about the meaning of life, wondering why am I stuck in this physical body. Connotation and denotation of words. In the vast array of the globe, universe… what is the point with all these sentiments, thoughts and actions. WHAT LIES THEREIN?

AM I’m struggling, have I changed, or am I just simply giving up? I can’t tell.

In all the negativity, my soul seems to want to rise up to the challenge and just fight it all. I’m so tired of being what needs to be done, how things SHOULD be. Enough of all your expectations. Time to live up to mine, but lies therein my joke - i have little or no expectations of myself. I just keep doing my best daily. Focusing on improving the processes and reduce my negativity that comes along with it.

Hard to admit but yes, this is the best me you’ll see today. Albeit meh! or disgruntled, but yes, this is the best at this point in time. I try not to say what I think out loud but it seems time has come that… what’s unspoken remains sealed in a grave. But I’m now unwilling to be unheard and left with all the grievances that grips me so hard, while the other parties get off scot free. My words are hard to conceptualization, but I guess with practice, it should get easier.

So I guess my daily task would be to write down more diary entries every day. To one title. Growth is all that I’m certain of. I’m so afraid I will get stuck in a rut and be so comfortable I refuse to grow further.

Keep moving forward. Taking the hint from Robinsons family by Walt Disney.

It’s been the longest time since my last entry about anyone.

Right now, my head and heart are not in sync once again. Head has an answer for the heart & this time I think I may take it. Not threatening whatsoever, just easier for everyone. I have for once join the team of people who say ‘i like you’ so easily and then as easily give it all up. 

But ‘easily’ is a relative term. I think I really tried my best this time round. But I just cant overlook the kid side. the self-entitled feels. thinking that one is always right. only considering perspectives from one’s angle. I guess nobody can figure out how I think… Maybe I will always contradict myself. Maybe we all do. Maybe at some point in time, I’ll figure it out that I’m meant to be on my own. Maybe that’s just it. Just me.

I just cant see this going far without me losing my real self. I have changed so much but yet he doesnt see it. Takes it for granted. I let him take it for granted because I so willingly change so much. But I’m at the limit. The brink of giving it all up because my happiness is so much more important. The feeling of satisfaction. The feeling of being needed. I never knew feeling of being needed can ever feel so burdensome. I’ve always thought it out to be sweet and satisfying, maybe gratifying even. But no. It’s so burdensome. Cumbersome. I need no more weights in my life. If you can’t work with me to greater heights then just leave me be. Stop asking me to do all the heavy lifting cos my fat self cant take it anymore.

I’m fine on my own. Will you just let me go if I’m happier that way?

words no longer mean as much as it did 24hrs ago. no more flowery proses to mindfuck you & send your heart + mind into frenzy. just simple actions to prove it would suffice. it takes time but i guess if anyone bothers to put in some time & effort, i guess it somehow matters a little?

just cannot comprehend why do people like to say they like you and then just because you said you dont like them as much, they just give up. how cheap is your ‘i like you’ exactly. why did i allow myself to go for the turntop spin. im frustrated at my easy heart just sitting there waiting for people to slash open, only i dont die that easy. not yet. so there leaves that marked 'YOU FOOL’. I dont like nonsense. really.

Another few hours & move on with life.